


The Woes of a Matchmaker

by pupeez4eva



Series: Modern AU [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brothers, Family, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, Protective!Sasuke, Secret Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10821294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: Step 1. Set Itachi up with Big Hulking Shark Guy; Step 2. Let their parents lose their shit over that; Step 3. Calmly tell them, "by the way — meet the nice, normal, tattoo-less guy I'm dating. Just ignore the fact that he's Naruto." SasuNaru, KisaIta, Modern AU.





	The Woes of a Matchmaker

 

 

"So…"

"It's happening."

"…Yes."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "No Naruto. We are definitely doing this. Tonight." Because seriously, they'd been putting it off long enough. And of course that was mainly his fault, because any mention of "hey Sasuke, let's tell your parents we're dating," was met with a "yeah, how about next week?"

He couldn't help it. His parents weren't like Naruto's parents. Naruto had already told them (he'd texted his mum about five minutes after they'd officially started dating), and Kushina Namikaze's response was to squeeze him so hard he nearly passed out (apparently it was supposed to be a 'welcome to the family' hug. Of course it was Kushina, so Sasuke couldn't help but wonder).

Minato had simply smiled at him, and told him that if he hurt Naruto, Minato would hurt him. After that, he went back to his usual, happy-go-lucky self.

See — those were normal reactions (...sort of). And hell, Sasuke didn't doubt that his mom would have a perfectly acceptable reaction. His mom _liked_ Naruto (Naruto was her best friend's kid after all). Mikoto Uchiha was not the problem.

Fugaku Uchiha _was_ the problem. Fugaku Uchiha did not like Naruto. Fugaku Uchiha was _scary_ when he was mad.

Sasuke liked Naruto alive. So delaying telling his parents was his way of protecting Naruto. He was being a _thoughtful boyfriend,_ thank you very much.

Of course, you could only go so long hiding a relationship before the other person threatened to break up with you. Sasuke was 99% sure Naruto was just joking, but still…

…That 1%.

So yeah; they were doing this. He was _ready_. He was totally ready to go up to his father, and tell him —

"Can we just…not?"

But apparently Naruto had decided that weeks of begging, whining and glaring, really weren't worth it after all.

"Seriously?" Sasuke raised one eyebrow.

Naruto shrugged. "Look, I get that we've been putting this off for a while — "

"Naruto. You told me, I quote — "teme, you suck, and if you don't tell your parents about us by the end of this week, I'm dumping you."

"I was joking!" Naruto protested. "…Except for the teme part."

Sasuke stared.

"And…I forgot how scary your dad is!" Naruto shuddered. A perfectly justifiable reaction, Sasuke silently admitted. "He is so scary! And…he doesn't like me."

"Obviously."

"…You're supposed to make me feel better."

Sasuke shrugged. "Well, he doesn't. He thinks you're loud and annoying, and that you talk about ramen too much."

In Sasuke's defence, he was still quite new at this 'boyfriend' thing.

"B-but you like that about me, don't you?" The wide eyes, and trembling lower lip were so obviously fake that Sasuke felt just a little bit better. Still, there were limits to everything, and as much as Sasuke loved Naruto, his constant ravings about ramen could drive anyone insane.

Naruto scowled. "Teme."

"Dobe," Sasuke replied, for good measure, and then: "let's just…not tell them tonight."

Because hey, if Naruto was agreeing to delaying the inevitable blow-up, who was he to argue?

"Yeah!" Naruto nodded enthusiastically. "That new ramen place just opened up, and we're going to check it out, so why ruin the night by having your dad kill me before we get to go, yeah?! Besides, your mum's cooking is great, but not as good as _ramen."_

"…Sure."

The fact that Sasuke had chosen ramen over his mom's delicious cooking just proved how desperate he truly was.

...

Mikoto Uchiha loved Kushina Namikaze, nee Uzumaki. Kushina had been her best friend her entire life and together, the two had terrorised their parents, elementary school, high school, college, and pretty much any place that included a large body of people (of course Mikoto would deny this if you asked her).

Mikoto Uchiha liked Minato Namikaze. After all, Minato was kind, caring, and put up with her frankly insane best friend. What wasn't to like?

Fugaku Uchiha, on the other hand, did not like Minato and Kushina Uzumaki. At all.

His dislike for Kushina had stemmed gradually over time. The first time he'd felt the beginnings of a strange feeling — which he would later identify as sheer _irritation,_ to a point that he had never experienced before — he'd overheard Kushina telling telling Mikoto to dump him. And then she'd crashed into his car a few weeks later — Fugaku would have suspected foul play, but the woman _could not drive to save her life,_ so her cries off "I am SO sorry, I did NOT see your car!" were probably true enough. Then of course there was their wedding day, when Kushina had 'jokingly' called him a "miserable old asshole" in her maid of honour speech.

And worst of all — his and Mikoto's honeymoon, when Kushina had phoned Mikoto, not taking into account that she and Fugaku would _obviously be busy,_ to tell her that Minato had proposed. And then she and Mikoto had spent the rest of the night squealing like school girls on the phone, and Fugaku had spent the rest of _his_ night miserably wishing that Mikoto wasn't quite so traditional (Fugaku had been waiting for this night ever since Mikoto had told him, quite plainly, that she wouldn't be having sex until _after_ she was married, so he could zip up his pants, thank you very much), and cursing Kushina Uzumaki's existence.

And then to top it all off, he'd nearly ended up with a son named after a _ramen_ _topping_ thanks to the inane woman's suggestion, until Mikoto, very sensibly pointed out that perhaps Kushina would like to save the name 'Naruto' for her own child. Fugaku's eldest son ended up with the lovely, _normal_ name 'Itachi', which he thanked the Heavens for.

So yes. Gradually, over time, Fugaku's hatred for Kushina grew.

And then there was Minato, who he'd _loathed_ ever since the man had glanced at Fugaku's eldest for the first time, displayed one of his usual idiotic grins, and had cheerily exclaimed, "aww Fugaku, your daughter is so cute!"

So yes — Fugaku hated both those idiots.

And his hatred for Kushina + his hatred for Minato, equaled his feelings about Naruto.

All in all…it was very, very bad.

...

"So, how do your parents _usually_ react when one of you guys bring someone home?" Naruto was lounging on Sasuke's bed, his head resting on Sasuke's knee.

Sasuke shrugged. _"That's_ not really the problem. The problem is…well, you."

Naruto scowled, opened his mouth to argue, and then sighed. "Yeah, I know…"

Sasuke pat him comfortingly on the head.

"Anyway," he continued, "it's never really been a problem before. You're my first boyfriend, and Itachi…well, he doesn't date."

"Oh really?" Naruto's brow furrowed. "I thought he was dating that friend of his."

_"Shisui?"_ Sasuke shook his head. "They're cousins."

"No. The other one. The…weird one."

That didn't really help much, since pretty much all of Itachi's friends could be classified as 'weird'.

"…Deidara?"

Naruto shook his head.

_"Tobi?_ Seriously Naruto, if you think my brother would ever stoop that low — "

"No. I'm talking about the _other_ guy. The one who's about this tall — " He pointed at the ceiling, " — with the blue hair, and tattoos, and creepy, pointed teeth — "

"Big Hulking Shark Guy!"

"…What?" Naruto turned his head slightly, staring at Sasuke in confusion.

Sasuke ignored him, shaking his head fervently. "Hell no, my brother is not dating BHSG!"

_"What?"_

Sasuke sighed. "Look, he's big. He's hulking. He has tattoos of sharks all over his arms, and I'm pretty sure he sharpens his teeth to get them to look that way. He's a big hulking shark guy — so that's what I'm calling him. Or BHSG, if that's too much of a mouthful."

(And it totally wasn't because he couldn't remember the guy's name).

Naruto laughed. "Yeah, your parents wouldn't be too happy about that, huh? Bet your dad would hate him more than he hates me."

And Sasuke, being the kind, considerate boyfriend he was, cried, "oh my god, you're right!"

Naruto stared.

"They would _hate_ him! He's like…six foot, or something. And he has _blue_ hair. And tattoos. And…whatever the hell you call those teeth." He grinned excitedly. "My dad would take one look at him and _die!"_

"Oh!" Naruto's eyes lit up. "I see where you're going with this! If he's dead, we never have to tell him!"

"…Er, no, not exactly what I was going for."

"Right." Naruto's shoulders slumped. "Because your dad dying would be a _bad_ thing."

"Yes." Sasuke nodded. _"But_ he'd be so busy hating on BHSG, he wouldn't even care that I was dating you!"

Maybe he was oversimplifying things, but who cared. He had an actual plan.

"Hey, that actually makes sense!" Naruto said, nodding enthusiastically. "Good thinking teme!"

Sasuke smirked. "Thank you, dobe." There was a brief pause, and Sasuke's shoulders slumped. "They aren't together though, so that's not happening."

"…But they _could_ be."

"Huh?" Sasuke turned to his boyfriend, brows furrowed in confusion.

Naruto grinned. "Weeeeeelll…I'm pretty sure he likes your brother. And your brother likes him."

Sasuke snorted. "No he doesn't."

"No, he definitely does! He spends so much time with him, and I've never seen Itachi spending that much time with anyone that's not you."

"He spends time with Shisui."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah but that's _Shisui_. He's like, a big teddy bear. His friend…BHSG? _Definitely_ not a teddy bear." Naruto shuddered.

Sasuke cocked his head to the side thoughtfully. "…This could work."

"It _could!"_ Naruto agreed, and grinned widely.

"We could…set them up."

_"Believe it!_ I mean, look at us, teme - we're the most romantic people I know!"

Sasuke snorted. "You took me to Ichiraku's and used coupons to buy us ramen for our first date."

"Exactly!" Naruto beamed. "This is going to be a piece of cake!"

Maybe it was the fact that Sasuke truly was desperate at this point, or maybe Naruto's smile was just that great (his boyfriend had a pretty nice smile, Sasuke had to admit), but he actually thought that maybe — just maybe — this could work).

...

Of course he didn't anticipate the crushing guilt. Or the discomfort. Or the repeated mental screaming of, _"WTF are you doing, BHSG could literally crush Itachi with one fist — Itachi why the HELL did you inherit mom's bone structure? Oh, this could be very, very bad. What if he does drugs? Oh my god, Sasuke, what are you doing, THIS IS YOUR BELOVED ANIKI!"_

Of course, he also loved Naruto very, very much. So…he'd just make sure to apologise to Itachi when all of this was over.

...

Step 1 of their amazing plan — which Sasuke and Naruto had hastily come up with that morning, when they'd realised that a day had passed, and they had literally _nothing_ — subtly suggest to Itachi that BHSG _might_ just be interested.

"Itachi."

Itachi turned to Sasuke, and and gave him one of those smiles that always seemed to say, _"I don't care how annoying you can sometimes be, you're my little brother, and I'll always love you."_ Itachi was too good for this world. Sasuke silently cursed his own existence.

No. He _needed_ to do this.

"So…" Sasuke coughed. "BHSG."

Itachi blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"You know — that guy." Sasuke waved his hand vaguely in front of him. "The one you always hang out with. Blue hair — "

"…Kisame?"

_"Kisame!"_ So _that_ was the asshole's name. Sasuke had been expecting something more deadly. Like Ripper. Or Fang. Or…Shark.

Itachi stared.

Okay. This was going good. He had a name — now…

"I think he…you know." Sasuke nodded his head.

"…What?"

"I think he's…" Sasuke jerked his head to the side ever-so-slightly.

Itachi blinked.

"He…" Sasuke nodded his head again, and then walked away, leaving his bewildered brother behind.

...

"How'd it go?" Naruto asked cheerily.

"Great," Sasuke said flatly. "Absolutely great."

(Itachi had come up to him about ten minutes after their strange little conversation, offered him two aspirin, and asked if he had a migraine).

...

Step 2 - lock them in a room together.

"Hey kid," Kisame (not BHSG apparently - god that was weird) said, nodding in Sasuke's direction. Sasuke shot him his best 'I don't like you' stare, which was so similar to his usual expression that Kisame didn't even notice.

"Sasuke." Itachi raised one eyebrow. "Can I help you with something?"

"Hmm? Oh no. I'm good."

Sasuke glanced furtively towards the door to the living room, and silently cursed. Of course, his brother and Kisame had to have picked the one room that didn't have a lock. He turned back to Itachi and Kisame, who were watching him, confused.

"Why don't you go to Itachi's room instead," Sasuke suggested.

Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"Why?" Itachi stared at him, his brow furrowed. Sasuke could see a suspicious gleam in his eyes, and reminded himself that his brother was a prodigy. In other words — he was super smart, so trying to trick him usually failed. Badly.

"I need the tv," he said. "Educational documentary, and all."

Kisame snorted. "Educational documentary my arse. You can use if after us, kid. We're about to watch Saw."

"How romantic," Sasuke muttered.

"Sasuke — do you mind?" Itachi didn't sound particularly annoyed though, but then again, this was Itachi; he could probably be holding a knife to your throat, and still sound like the most pleasant person you'd ever met.

"It's for my homework," Sasuke told him.

"It's the holidays," Itachi retorted.

"…I'm planning ahead."

_"Sasuke."_

"Fine!" Sasuke scowled. "I'll just…stay then! Until you leave. How do you like _that!"_ And then, because he was definitely the most mature person in the room, he threw himself down between Itachi and Kisame, and shot Kisame the most annoying grin he could muster.

Itachi glanced at him, shrugged, and then turned back to the tv. He made sure to discretely poke Sasuke in the forehead when he wasn't looking.

Sasuke meanwhile, felt very pleased with himself (because he could tell that, despite his attempts at seeming unbothered by Sasuke's presence, Kisame wasn't completely fine with having Itachi's little brother hanging around), until he realised that he'd just interrupted some serious alone time between Itachi and Kisame. Because even if Saw was the most unromantic thing ever, he was on a serious time limit here.

Oh, and Kisame had finished all the popcorn.

Sasuke _really_ didn't like that guy.

...

_"Saw!"_ Naruto exclaimed, when Sasuke recounted the events from earlier as the two lounged in his room. "But that's so damn romantic!"

Sometimes, Sasuke seriously worried about Naruto.

" — Seriously Sasuke, this is bad! By the end of that, they would have been _completely_ in love!"

"…What?"

Yeah — Naruto was one of a kind.

"But you had to ruin it! What do we do _now?"_ Scowling, Naruto flopped backwards onto the couch, his arms crossed across his chest.

Sasuke sighed, and sat down next to him. "I think they went up to Itachi's room," he said.

Then they both froze, stared at each other, and made a bee-line for the staircase.

After sprinting up the stairs (Naruto pausing to stick his tongue out at Sasuke when he reached the top first), they hurried to Itachi's room. Naruto, with a triumphant grin stretched across his face, reached out, and pulled the lock shut (Fugaku had installed locks on the outside of their doors back when they were young, and the concept of a 'naughty corner' basically expanded to their entire room. They never had gotten around to taking them down).

"Ha!" Naruto crowed, pumping his fists in the air. "Take that! Quality falling in love time, _believe it!"_

"What are you doing?"

Naruto froze, fists still raised in the air. Sasuke would have found it funny, if he wasn't too busy staring at Itachi and Kisame — who now stood behind Naruto — in horror.

"Uh…" Naruto's mouth opened and closed, and he slowly lowered his fists to his sides. "Nothing…?"

"Itachi, your brother and his friends are weird," Kisame said, staring at Naruto.

"That's his boyfriend actually," Itachi replied.

"…Wow. I feel bad for your parents."

Naruto glared at him. "Yeah, well I feel bad for his parents too!"

Kisame's brows raised. "Well, glad that's settled."

"But not because of me!" Naruto shot back. "Ha! _Bet you didn't see that coming!"_

He then ran off in the other direction. Kisame stared after him, his expression a mix of bewilderment and amusement. Itachi and Sasuke didn't bat and eyelash because…well, it was Naruto.

That didn't mean Sasuke didn't follow after him, red-faced, because he really didn't want to explain this to Itachi.

...

"How did we get together again?" Naruto asked.

"I kissed you, you punched me, I punched you, you realised you liked it, you kissed me, and then I called you an idiot?"

"…Think that'd work for them?"

"Probably not."

Naruto sighed, staring miserably at the ceiling.

...

Step 3 - make them jealous.

"Hey Itachi!" Naruto waved enthusiastically at the older male, who smiled at him in response. "It's Naruto!"

"I know, Naruto," Itachi replied, amused. "I've known you since you were a kid."

"Haha, yeah." Naruto rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "I forget sometimes. So — Kisame."

Itachi sighed. "Yes?"

"…I was walking past his door."

"You were in Kisame's house?" Itachi interrupted, his eyebrows raising. He obviously didn't buy a word of this.

Naruto, being Naruto, didn't pick up on that.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, uh…" Naruto's flashed in panic, before he continued, hurriedly. "His dad…knows my dad! So, uh, it makes sense, right? But that's not important. I was walking in his house, and I passed his _bedroom_ , and I heard these noises."

Itachi stared.

"And then I heard - _Deirdre!"_

"Deirdre," Itachi repeated.

"Yeah." Naruto nodded quickly. "The blond guy? The one who has the exact same hairstyle as Ino?"

Itachi's eyebrows raised. "Deidara?"

"Yeah! Him! So Kisame goes, "Deidara. Yeah. That feels…good. Believe it."

Itachi opened his mouth, closed it, and then just stared.

"So…" Naruto coughed. "Just…something to think about."

...

"How'd it go?" Sasuke asked.

"Hmm? Oh, it was great." Naruto nodded firmly. "You could just see the jealousy in his eyes!" And then, deciding to move on, before Sasuke asked anymore questions — "How'd it go with you and Kisame?"

"Well…"

...

Sasuke stared at Kisame. Kisame stared back.

"So…" Sasuke coughed. "Itachi and…Shisui."

"What?"

"No wait, they're cousins," Sasuke muttered, shaking his head. "Um…Tobi? No, definitely not Tobi…"

"…What the hell are you talking about?" Kisame was staring at him strangely now.

Sasuke ignored him, frantically riffling through his brain for guys Itachi knew. But dammit… _none_ of them were good enough for his brother. And neither was Kisame for that matter, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

_"Kakashi!"_ Sasuke said at last.

"…Who?"

"Oh you know," Sasuke said, waving his hand vaguely, "white hair, weird obsession with masks, and…uh…"

And a disturbingly avid obsession with porn. Which he regularly read in public. Yeah, no — Sasuke wasn't even _mentioning_ that pervert with conjunction with his brothers name.

"Kid," Kisame sighed, "I have no idea what the hell you are trying to say, but I have work in less than an hour, so…how can I say this nicely…" He leaned forward. _"Please_ fuck off."

"…You're not even worthy to _look_ at him!"

Kisame stared. "What?"

_"Gah!"_

_..._

"…It was _so_ good." Sasuke shot Naruto a smile that he hoped didn't look as strained as it felt. "We are definitely up to the next stage in our plan."

(They say all relationships should be based on a foundation of truth).

...

"Okay. This has to happen. Our _futures_ depend on it."

Naruto nodded, his eyes shining in determination.

"We're going to do it," Sasuke repeated.

"Yeah!"

"And if we don't then…no kissing for a month."

Naruto blanched. _"What?!"_

Sasuke sighed. "We need actual stakes, dobe."

"B-but…" Naruto stared at him, eyes wide in horror. "That's almost as bad as no _ramen!"_

"'Almost'?"

"You can't do this to me, teme!" Naruto cried, pleadingly. "We are _obviously_ going to fail!"

Sasuke stared at him, somewhat surprised. This was _Naruto_ after all — if he was even considering giving up, then things must have been _really_ bad.

And, in true Naruto fashion, he brushed it off a few seconds later, and was back to his usual, beaming self (shit, Sasuke seriously loved this guy. For the most part).

"No — I'm Naruto Namikaze, and I _don't_ give up! We're going to do this, Sasuke! By the end of today, Itachi and Kisame will be _completely_ in love! I even spoke to Kakashi-nii — "

Sasuke winced.

" — and he says we should read something called "Icha Icha" and get some tips — "

Sasuke cut him off. "No."

"But — "

"Icha Icha. The _erotica_ he regularly reads in public."

"…Oh." Naruto blanched. "That's what it is."

Sasuke sighed.

"…Well I spoke to my mom, and she told me she hated my dad's guts until he saved her when she was protesting cutting down this tree, and then she climbed up, and she fell, and he caught her — although _he_ claims he was just walking underneath, and she fell on his head — gave him this really huge concussion too, haha — "

"Is this going somewhere?" Sasuke interrupted, because, seriously — _major time limit!_

"Well yeah!" Naruto grinned enthusiastically. "What I'm trying to say is, we could push Itachi in front of a car — "

Sasuke choked.

" — and make sure Kisame is there to save him! And then they'll _fall in love_ , and everything will be great!"

"No," Sasuke said flatly.

"And then — "

_"No_ Naruto. We are not trying to kill my brother."

"No, it's totally safe!" Naruto insisted. "My mum even offered to drive the car!"

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

_"NO!"_

Naruto pouted, crossing his arms in front of him. "Fine then — _you_ come up with a better plan."

"I will," Sasuke replied. And oh he would. Somehow. Because seriously, anything would be better than _trying to kill Itachi._

Sasuke sighed, and leaned back against his bed, scowling miserably at the wall in front of him. Who knew matchmaking could be so damn _hard_. There was a notepad thrown haphazardly on the floor next to them, which was filled with unfinished suggestions, and a doodle of a giant fox doing a handstand (Naruto had gotten bored midway through their failed planning session, and Sasuke had been beyond caring by that point).

"…Sasuke?"

He lifted his head slightly. "Yeah?"

Naruto shifted closer. "If we're going to give up kissing for six months, can we kiss a lot now to make up for it?"

"We won't be giving up kissing for six months," Sasuke told him, but pulled him close anyway.

...

A few hours later, they decided that step 4 — the _final_ step — would be to go up to them and _tell_ them. Because seriously — this was ridiculous. And taking way too damn long. And also, there was _no way_ Sasuke was giving up kissing Naruto for six months.

"Didn't you already try that?" Naruto asked, as he and Sasuke walked downstairs. Itachi and Kisame were hoarded up in the kitchen, while Itachi prepared dinner. Mikoto and Fugaku were out for the night — a dinner with some business associates of Fugaku's — and which left Itachi in charge of food since Sasuke couldn't cook to save his life.

"Yeah." Sasuke shrugged. "Didn't exactly work."

Not many things in this plan had.

They found Itachi and Kisame sitting in the kitchen, the oven lit up behind them. If Sasuke wasn't too busy silently freaking out, he would have noticed how unusually close they were sitting.

"Sasuke?" Itachi glanced at him, his brow furrowing slightly. "Are you alright?"

"Jesus kid, you look like you're going to barf," Kisame said, sounding amused. Asshole.

"Come on Sasuke, you can do it!" Naruto cheered. Sasuke considered asking why _he_ had to be the one to do it, and then decided that he just really wanted to get this over and done with.

"You…you should…"

(On second thought, maybe dealing with his dad wouldn't be all that bad after all…).

"Sasuke, you're sweating," Itachi told him, frowning.

Sasuke ignored him. "You should…go out."

Silence.

"The two of you. Should uh…date. Yeah. That's what I meant."

More silence. Then:

"Okay, I did not see that coming." Kisame let out a snort of amusement.

"You didn't?" Itachi raised one eyebrow. "I knew they were up to something when Naruto told me he caught you sleeping with Deidara."

"…He said _what?"_

"The two of you!" They turned back to Sasuke, who was frantically waving his arms in the air. "You…obviously like each other! So…date! Or something! Okay?"

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "And before you go out, make sure you tell your dad, okay?"

Itachi glanced between Naruto and Sasuke, looking unsure what to say. "Er, Sasuke — "

"I am totally supportive of this!" Sasuke insisted (even though his voice and expression screamed otherwise). "You guys would make a… _great_ couple."

"Totally!" Naruto nodded his head enthusiastically. " _So_ great!"

"So…so…go! And date!"

"And tell your dad!"

"Laying it on a bit thick, dobe."

"Well, so are you, teme!"

Itachi sighed. "Boys."

"This is actually kind of entertaining," Kisame murmured.

Itachi rolled his eyes, grabbed him, and pulled him in for a kiss.

Sasuke choked.

_"Wow!"_ Naruto exclaimed, staring unashamedly at the lip-locked pair. "We did it!"

Sasuke stood still, staring at his brother and… _BHSG._ Who were _still kissing._ And…what? Why were they _kissing?!_

(Of course he'd been aiming for this outcome for days now, but that wasn't the point).

"Sasuke," Itachi said, after he'd ( _finally, thank GOD_ ) pulled back. "We were already dating."

"…What?"

"We've been dating for a little over a month now," Itachi continued, while his brother continued to gape in shock.

Kisame smirked. "Yeah kid. I didn't need your approval to win your brother over."

Itachi snorted.

"…Huh?" Sasuke's mouth opened and closed.

Itachi sighed, and smiled apologetically at his younger brother. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Sasuke. I was going to, but you'd just started your own relationship with Naruto — "

"You're dating him," Sasuke muttered.

" — but I _am_ glad you approve." He smiled that _'I'm Itachi and I'm the best big brother ever'_ smile of his, and said "you know your opinion means the world to me," and Sasuke felt himself break because — this was his _brother. His_ aniki, who was _way too good for Kisame, dammit!_

"Wow, congrats!" Naruto grinned. "Guess we didn't need to do all that work, huh?"

_'What the fuck was I thinking?!'_

Itachi laughed.

Sasuke's eyes bore into Kisame's — Kisame who, he realised, _towered_ over his brother. Kisame who had _blue_ hair, and _tattoos_ , and _fucking creepy shark-like teeth, and — and —_

_"NOOOOOO!"_

Everyone stared at him.

"This! This — _no!"_ Sasuke waved his arms frantically in front of him, shaking his head. _"You!_ Stay away from my brother! You aren't good enough for him! Who the hell has blue hair anyway, huh?! And is that a _shark_ tattoo? Why the hell are you so obsessed with sharks?! _Who the hell SHARPENS their damn teeth?!"_

"Holy shit," Kisame breathed, sounding more gleeful than concerned or upset. "He sounds just like your dad."

Naruto's eyes widened in dismay. "Your dad already knows?"

Itachi nodded. "Yes. Remember that week he spent stumbling around drunk, mumbling about 'that blue bastard'?"

"I thought he meant blue as in _sad."_

Kisame smirked. "No, he meant me."

_" — as if you'd ever be good enough for Itachi! Naruto, dammit, if I ever have a bad idea like this again, punch me in the nose or something — OW! I DIDN'T MEAN RIGHT NOW!"_

"Sorry teme," Naruto said cheerily (and maybe a little shakily, which was justified since, after all that work, he'd still have to face Fugaku Uchiha). "Want me to kiss it better?"

Itachi gestured towards the doorway. Kisame followed him.

"Itachi," Kisame said, as they left the room, "I kind of love your family."

...

In the end, things really didn't go so bad.

Sure Sasuke was now determined to break Itachi and Kisame up, but things with his dad hadn't gone _too badly._ Sure, Fugaku had howled, and raged, and gone through all his usual Fugaku-Uchiha-intense-angry-emotions, and had even taken some time to sob about the fate of his sons, and how much he despised Kushina and Minato Namikaze (after copious amounts of alcohol).

However, Sasuke had forgotten one very important fact: he had an ally in the form of his mother, Mikoto Uchiha, who had joined Kushina in ardently shipping their sons long before they'd even been born.

Sasuke didn't know exactly _what_ his mother had said to his father, but his Fugaku had come up him and Naruto, and, still glaring, had grudgingly said, "fine, whatever, date then," before going to his study (probably to dig out his secret alcohol stash).

Mikoto meanwhile had given Naruto a bone-crushing welcome hug, before driving off to the Namikaze residence, probably to glare at Kushina until she apologised for not telling her straight away, and then squeal excitedly over something they'd wanted since they'd read their first yaoi fanfiction at age 12, turned to each other, and had said, in perfect sync, _"our future sons WILL date each other."_

So, well, things weren't that bad. In fact, Sasuke thought, smiling discretely at Naruto as the blonde dragged him to his favourite hang out (Sasuke seriously needed to suggest a replacement to Ichiraku's one of these days), things were pretty damn good.

Although he seriously needed to come up with some way to break Kisame and Itachi up.

**Author's Note:**

> So…my first ever Naruto fanfiction. SasuNaru and KisIta are two of my favourites pairings, but…unless a fic is practically swimming in humor, I cannot write romance to save my life. So yeah. Hopefully this wasn't awful :D


End file.
